Oh stop! Your applause deafens me! My hoof aches with the exhaustion of signing autographs!
Of course, there’s no need to introduce a pig of my star-power, but just in case my tooth twinkle has momentarily blinded you… Yes, it’s true! The one, the only Hammy is here in your midst!
I don’t often find time in my schedule to visit Zoolu HQ, but you’re in luck. There is a gap (of about 10 weeks) between auditions and here I am!
A little about myself (I know fans love a celebrity scoop)… I come from a long line of famous pigs. My mother appeared in the reality TV show, How Now Brown Sow? My grandfather trod the boards in an amateur production of My Fair Porky. And my little sister can hiccup on demand. But it is my career that has been most stellar. Most glittering! Most star-studded!
You might remember me from the pork stock cube ad? Or spotted me in The Princess and the Hog ballroom scene, nose poking out from behind the buffet table? And of course you’d know me from the Jack and the Beanstalk pantomime. I played a leading role - the cow! Unfortunately the costume covered my whole body, but my stage presence shone through, I assure you.
I’ve been told that my skin glows like bacon. That my teeth resemble a white picket fence. That my ears are as magnificent as the pyramids!
Ah yes, my agent tells me I have a face for film. I’m just waiting for the movie companies to see it….
Anyhoo, always a pleasure, never a chore - I’d better be off. And do keep me in mind if you need a pink pig with gold hooves for your next movie…